Love and Marriage

The time came to plan our wedding. I refused to have anything extravagant, I didn’t want his douche lord friends there to ruin my big day and I didn’t want to waste a bunch of money. I finally settled on a small event, up north at my grandmother’s house – over looking the river.

Leading up to the wedding was fine enough. Even the night before was ok. The morning of I went to my hair appointment. By the time I got to my grandmother’s house Justin was already drinking. I walked up to find him doing shots of Fireball. Are you fucking kidding me. My main complaint about his friends was that he became a different person in their company and this proved my point.

To even get through the day and not call off the wedding I knew I needed to do something. I took a couple of my anxiety pills. My grandmother knew I was having second thoughts, she laughed about needing anxiety pills too and we busted into the Sangria. By the time I needed to be walking down the aisle I was gone. I can honestly say that I have no recollection of walking down the aisle, saying my vows, exchanging rings, getting photos taken or riding to the bar for our reception.

Apparently I stared at the ground the entire ceremony. People were talking about it. Asking what was wrong with me. All of my photos are terrible, I didn’t smile in a single one. And my reception? Fuck. I didn’t get to dance with my father or my husband. It was a joke.

We limped along for the first few weeks. Then shit really hit the fan. I saw that he had wrote down a screen name and password near my computer. I wondered if it was for his email. And I decided that once you are married you sacrifice your right to privacy, so I logged into his email and started scrolling. Almost immediately I saw messages from Craigslist.

A month before our wedding he had posted an ad, looking for an older man to “please”. He had also replied to several ads, inquiring about oral and sexual favors. And this wasn’t it. As I kept scrolling I found more and more instances of him posting and replying to ads. Some were to women. But most were men. He exchanged photos of his dick. Talked about being a bottom, craving some guys cum.

This shit went way back too, years before he and I had even met. But it continued through our entire relationship. Starting right about the time he proposed to me. And I wasn’t going to let this shit stay buried. I called him out on it. All of it. I stayed away for a few days while I tried to decide what to do. Every time we talked about it he would lie. He tried saying that he only did it a couple times, then said he only did it while drunk (some of this posts were during the day while he would have been at work), he also tried saying that he had never actually done anything with a man….but eventually admitted to having exchanged oral favors in the past – he only admitted to that after I told him I found the exchange of addresses between him and this other guy.

About a week went by, I decided that I would try to work things out with him. I moved back into the house but we slept in separate rooms for a few weeks. As of today, Justin and I have been married for almost a year and a half and we have only had sex 7 times. Part of the issue is my depression, my hormones and the lack of a sex drive in general. The other part….he destroyed me. I finally let my guard down and trusted a man, finally gave a relationship my all and the person I thought I could depend on let me down. There is no love, no desire for a physical connection any more. I don’t even like kissing him. And I know it tears him apart. But I don’t know what else to do.

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