It’s been awhile

It really has.  But I am back!

I started this blog because I was confused. “So what do you do when “the one that got away” walks back into your life?”

About 2 years had passed since shit hit the fan with Dan and I. One night I had a dream that something terrible happened to him and I just had to know if he was still out there somewhere. I sent an email, it was a long shot. Weeks went by without a response and I couldn’t help but think the worst. Until one day….there it was…a response.

He let me know he was ok. And that he was single, he finally left that bitch he was with. My first thought was, “Great, how do I hide the fact that I am married and have a kid?” I decided it was best for him to just know. I was still at a point of being unsure about my marriage and I owed it to myself to see him and gain some closure. He told me to “hit him up” when I came back into town, so I told him I would come the next day.

I timed the trip so  we would be on the road at the same time. We met at a truck stop. He got into my vehicle and we just sat there in silence for a few moments. I asked him why he couldn’t leave her before but was able to now. Apparently she had cheated on him. Karma sure is a bitch. I explained my situation to him, I told him that I wasn’t sure I would be staying in my marriage and that if things went south at home I wanted to give it another shot with him. I told him that I was still in love with him. He never really had a way with words so his response of, “I still care for you” seemed sufficient at the time. He kissed me, and it was just as amazing as it had always been. But I had to stop it there. I told him we could see each other again soon.

Several weeks went by and when I came home for Christmas we met at one of our old hang outs – I brought a friend with me to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid. I can’t even begin to explain to you how it felt. For awhile I just looked at him in awe. I never thought that we would be doing this again. Part of me wanted to kiss him and the other part wanted to hit him with my car. For a moment it was like time stood still, like nothing had changed and things were back to the way I remembered. He looked so good. It wasn’t long before my cheeks hurt from smiling. When it was time to go I walked him to his truck and I told him again that I still loved him. I kissed him goodbye and cried the entire drive home. I cannot recall a time that I cried as hard as I did that night.

He sent me a text saying that he wanted to see me again and because I was staying with my parents for a few days over the holiday it was easy to make happen. Adrenaline was high, I told him I wanted him the worst way. We made plans to meet and do what we did best. When I got to him things changed. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with him. If I was going to leave my husband that was one thing, but cheating on him just didn’t seem right. Dan told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship right away, and I told him I wouldn’t be getting divorced right away. He said that he could “probably” see us being together in the future. And honestly, that’s all I needed to hear to know that it wasn’t going to work out.

I have a child. I couldn’t just play Russian roulette with his feelings because I wanted to act like a horny school girl and run away with an old fling.

I guess when the “one that got away” walks back into your life it’s not so easy to just run away with them.

My husband was eagerly waiting for my son and I to return home from my parents. I looked at him and just knew. I really need to try and make this work. I decided that I was going to give it my all, keep going to therapy and get back on medication to help with my depression. For as long as I can remember when things got hard I usually just gave up. For once in my life I decided that I am not going to be that person any more.