“If I ever loved a woman, the more I loved her, the more I wanted to hurt her. Frida was only the most obvious victim of this disgusting trait.” ~ Diego Rivera
While I’m not planning to fall in love with a woman any time soon this quote seemed fitting. This person and I, we share the same trait.
I was talking to my sister about my dilemma – about the deal I’m making with the devil. I said to her, “I’m such a shitty person.” And she responded, “We all are.”
And it brought me a sense of comfort. Not unlike a warm blanket.
She then said to me, “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” To which I replied, “Bitch. I hurt every day.” And I do. I really, really do.
But today, I feel alive. I have an infectious smile. And although I know that it will fade fast, as a matter of fact I can feel it fading now, I need this. I need to feel…something. For far too long I have felt nothing. And there’s nothing worse than feeling nothing.
It seems as though I am at a crossroads.
So here I am, digging a hole for my box. The box with my picture and that graveyard dirt. Waiting for the red eyed demon to come and make a deal for my soul.
Is that a little too Supernatural-y for you? Okay, lets just pretend the crossroads is metaphorical.
I know what I want. But I also know that what I want is so, so bad for me. I’m like a junkie, looking for my next fix. And I can picture how it’s going to play out because I have been here a thousand times before and I have lived through this exact same scenario more times that I can count. So why then, do I want to do this again?
I am working on convincing myself that this time it will be different. And maybe it will be. But maybe it won’t.
And before you start to question whether or not this is about Dan, let me help you with that. It’s not. But it just as easily could be. The feeling I have in the pit of my stomach is the exact same. The contagious smile that I have had on my face for the days is one that’s a little too familiar.
So what’s next?
Once a month, maybe every other month, it seems that Dan gets this bug up his ass and wants to message me to hang out. For some reason I always respond to the messages. And sometimes I even entertain the idea of meeting up with him. Which is wrong, I know! But I honestly could never go through with it, even though it always sounded really, REALLY fun.
Last weekend was no different. I got the standard “Hows it goin” text. And that’s always the first text. Always missing the apostrophe between the “w” and the “s”. Never the letter “g” to finish off the word going. Never a question mark to end the sentence properly.
We talked back and forth. Actually, now that I think of it, we talked randomly throughout the month. He asked repeatedly when I would be coming back into town and I had no intentions of making any special trips. But it just so happened that I was coming into town to pick up a puppy for a friend of mine. I told him on Friday that I would be coming into town Sunday and he said that we should meet up, just name the place.
That’s where it got weird for me. Up until then every time he tried to schedule a hook up he asked me to come by his house. I don’t remember the address but I can say that it would be a convenient place to stop, I would be very close to it when I exited the free-way to go to my home town or enter the free-way to head back home. But this time was different.
He didn’t say to come over. He said he would meet me. So I knew that something was going on. I knew that circumstances had changed that would prevent me from going to the house he just bought. Part of me thought that he had taken his ex back. But then I remembered him saying that she had moved on and had a baby with someone else already. So what could it be…someone else?
Funny things happen when you log onto Facebook sometimes. For example, sometimes you log on to find a status update from Dan’s mother where she announces that Dan’s girlfriend is in the hospital having a FUCKING BABY.
Even up until 6 months ago I feel like this news may have devastated me. But yesterday it just made me laugh. And it made me so fucking thankful that I didn’t fall back into that toxic waste dump that would have been a relationship with him. I guess the only thing that bothers me is knowing that I was never good enough for him to want those same things with.
But then, maybe I was too good? Maybe I was too good for him.